Internal family systems therapy
Internal self leadership through IFs
This philosophy recognises that we are all made up of different parts. These parts are not just feeling but distinct ways of being, with their own beliefs, agendas, and roles in the overall ecology of our lives.
How well we get along with ourselves depends largely on our internal leadership skills – how well we listen to our different parts, mare sure they feel taken care of, and keep them from sabotaging one another. Parts often come across as absolutes when, in fact, they represent only one element in a complex constellation of thoughts, emotions, and sensations. I you shout “I hate you” I will probably think you dislike me, while in fact it is only your angry part temporarily obscuring your generous and affectionate feelings.
More about IFS
At the core of IFS is the notion that the mind of each of us is like a family in which the members have different levels of maturity, excitability, wisdom and pain. The parts form a network or system in which change in any one part will affect all the others.
In IFS a part is considered not just a passing emotional state or customary thought pattern but a distinct mental system with its own history, abilities, needs and worldview. For example, we all have parts that are childlike and fun. When we are abused, these are the parts that are hurt the most, and they become frozen, carrying the pain, terror and betrayal of abuse. IFS calls them the ‘exiles’, other parts the ‘protectors’ organise to keep these away. Some of these can be our own critical and perfectionistic managers.
Beneath the surface of the protective parts of trauma survivors there exists an undamaged essence, a self that is confident, curious and calm. This self does not need to be cultivated or developed, it is already present.
Learn more about this in Bessel van der Kolk’s book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’.
Practice IFS: Learn how to lead the different parts
Here are the steps to practice IFS on yourself now, seen as a form of self therapy. Of course referring to a professional will teach you to be more efficient in applying this way of thinking.
- Identify your different parts – start to separate this confusing blend into separate entities, so you can say” this part of me feels like a little child, this other part feels more mature but like a victim”. You might not like these parts but being honest with yourself and identifying them makes them less intimidating or overwhelming.
- Ask protective parts to stand back – as they emerge ask them to temporarily stand back so that you can see what it is protecting. This asks to put your feeling of fear, rage or disgust on hold and open up to internal states of curiosity and reflection.
- Identify the part involved in the problem – Eg. feeling worthless, obsessed with vengeful thoughts or abandoned.
- Ask “what inside me feels that way?” – an image could come to mind, maybe the depressed part looks like an abandoned child or overwhelmed nurse. while the vengeful part might look like a member of a gang or a Marine.
- Ask ” How do you feel toward that (vengeful, sad, terrified) part of you?” – this tries to separate the ‘you’ from the part in question. If you have an extreme response like ‘I hate it’ , then there is another protective part blended with the self – ‘see if the part that hates is would step back’ thank it and tell the part it can return anytime that is needed. the ask again ‘ how do you feel towards the (previously rejected) part now?’ you might say something like ‘i wonder why it feels so.. angry, sad etc
- Get to know the part better. For example by inquiring how old it is and how it came to feel the way it does.
- Once this internal dialogue begins to take place towards different parts, keep the following questions in mind:
- What do you say to the part about that?
- Where do you want to go now?
- What feels like the right next step?
- How do you feel toward the part now?